Self -knowledge – exciting journey. And, as it should be on the trip, we are waiting not only for discoveries and rewards, but also dangers and obstacles. How to overcome them? Here are several ways.
To be yourself is a big program. Sometimes we feel that we lose the true “I” in relations with a demanding spouse, in an authoritarian family, with a picky friend. Something goes wrong ..
This can be separate episodes in communication or already established relationships that have acquired a manipulative character and poorly affect our well -being and self -esteem. This can be a relationship that has come to a dead end, it is not possible to get out of it, and sometimes desperate.
In this case, we should figure out what prevents the relationship and communication so that they bring pleasure and their desire to continue. And this requires a closer acquaintance with ourselves, the awareness of the reasons that encourage us to act against our interests, and practical skills. How to purchase them, says psychotherapist Larisa Kononenko.
1.Watch yourself
Self -observation – a tool of self -knowledge. When we think about ourselves, the ventromedial prefrontal bark is activated – this area of the brain allows us to analyze events, understand our characteristics and zones of vulnerability.
Introspection helps to choose the right direction if something goes wrong. Therefore, it is useful to conduct an audit from time to time: what everything is good in our life, but with what is not very – and think about values. What gives energy? What we are ready to sacrifice and what not?
We ask such questions most often in crisis. While we are in harmony with ourselves and the world, such thoughts rarely come to mind. Nevertheless, when we know that it is good and correct from our point of view, this helps to make decisions, from everyday to serious.
2.Listen to the voices of feelings
Feelings play an important role in creating a portrait of our "I" portrait accessible to reason. Attention to them allows you to realize the motives of their actions. Suppressed, supplanted feelings create stress, which interferes with the development.
We do not always hear Globalpharmacy 24 the inner voice, which whispers that we are offended and it is time to stand up for ourselves, without waiting for the accumulated discontent to break out and the conviction that “good people do not do this” will not help anymore. It is useful to distinguish between restraint that appropriate situations, and the suppression of reactions affecting the state as a whole, leading to depression.
If you notice that dissatisfaction with yourself arises more and more often, and the situations in which it appears is very similar to each other, this means that the time has come and it’s time to take care.
3.Study automatic reactions
We often attribute to the events and words of meanings that are not there. These meanings change our reactions, which affects interaction with others. For example: “If I made a decision, I can’t change it. I cannot admit that I was mistaken, it will mean that I am unreliable, incompetent ”.
The consequence of these irrational beliefs – dissatisfaction with oneself, anger at oneself, depression. If you find them at yourself, analyze:
- What thoughts and installations make me worry?
- Where did I get such information and what facts confirm it?
- What facts are contrary to these attitudes? How differently you can look at it?
- What inconvenience and consequences are related to maintaining this installation?
- What can I do to change my condition?
4.Build the boundaries
The ability to say no "no" or "yes" so that it corresponds to our desires and needs, helps us build psychological boundaries. And makes it possible to discover the abilities that we restrained out of fear of causing pain to another or being rejected.
The psychological boundaries of our personality are what we feel holistically, reliably and make decisions without violence against ourselves, with calm confidence. Start with a simple one – for example, refuse to go watch a movie that is not interesting to you, and offer your option. Use the next algorithm for refusal:
- confirm that you understand the request or desire of another (“Yes, I understand that you urgently need to go …”);
- Refuse, calling the reasons, but speak briefly and only in essence (“I can’t see your dog because I will be busy”);
- In the end, tell the solid “no”, making it clear that other options are impossible (“Therefore, no, I can’t help you this weekend”).
You will see that the relationship does not get worse if you do not take unnecessary obligations, and each time it will be easier to determine whether you want to agree or refuse.
5.Make friends with an internal critic
“You can’t do it, you are to blame for everything, you are engaged in nonsense, you have to try more, a good mother (daughter, son, friend) doesn’t do that” … An internal critic tells you that you are not good. And you feel shame, guilt, despair, anger, indignation, resentment, and then fatigue and helplessness.
In fact, the internal critic is very small, because these are children’s experience limiting the impacts of our educators. This is not an adult (constructive), but children’s criticism of oneself. And if you manage to make friends with him, then you will stop judging yourself so cruel. For example: appoint an internal criticism to meet every day at the same time – and listen to it for 10 minutes. But the rest of the time does not belong to him.
6.Speak
We say that others can understand and satisfy our needs. But it is not always possible to report what is happening inside us. Because we often use formulations that are not equivalent to what we feel in reality. And we are also afraid to open and become defenseless.
In childhood, your needs could be rejected, so you learned to report them as a veiled way, so that in case of refusal to be safe. Now, in adulthood, there is a choice and you can decide how to react if you are not understood. In addition, remaining in a closed position, you risk being incorrectly understood. Compare: “Close the window!"," Why is this window open?"," You would not want to close the window?"," I am cold. Please close the window ".
To be yourself, it is necessary to clearly and calmly say what our needs, expectations and sensations are. This applies not only (and not so much) social or professional life, but also love. Hiding your expectations means agreeing to be different, lose contact with you. This entails bitterness, psychological discomfort, pretense, misunderstandings, guilt and shifting responsibility to others. Everyone loses from this.
7.Predict
If you imagine in advance options for the development of events and those models of behavior that will help to successfully cope with the situation, so you will reduce your anxiety and feel more confident. It is useful to imagine not only dangers, but also the path to success. Questions will help:
- What I want to get as a result?
- How I usually do in such situations?
- How confident behavior will help achieve the goal?
- What risks are possible in this situation?
- What are my rights in this situation?
- What are the rights of other participants?
- Are all facts and arguments I know?
- How well I am ready for this meeting?
- How to make it clear to another that I hear him?
- What will be the beginning and development of the conversation?
- What will help me cope with my feelings and maintain control over the situation?
8.Act
When, having determined our desires, having set a goal and considering the strategy, we move on to action, we realize ourselves not only in our inner world, but also in the external, which we share with others. We see the results of what we have done, and if they satisfy us, we experience a sense of fulfilled duty, and this creates psychological comfort. Activity also allows you to better know others, which is important for our identity: we are social creatures, and we have the need to look at us with approval.
And we also need our actions to bring satisfaction. In the moments of creation in the broad sense, we feel fully consisted. A small child needs approval of loved ones and parents. However, it is important not only to praise the child when he managed to do something with his own hands, but also to ask him if he was pleased with the work done. When our own satisfaction meets with the approval of others, this creates an experience, close to happiness.
½ Provide yourself
The ability to protect yourself is one of the main ways to remain yourself. In a conflict situation, it is better to take a firm position than to show passive aggression (resentment, sabotage, insults. ). Sometimes it makes sense to pull away, including physically (abstract from the situation, move away from the interlocutor, go out the door) – this will give you time to think over the decision, not inferior to someone else’s will and not succumbing to influence.
To do this, you need to have courage, and sometimes insolence, but ultimately we gain ourselves. To be yourself also means to allow yourself and others. And this gives the basis for healthy and full -fledged relationships.